At Home in the Heart. I thought I knew what it meant: I’m perfect. And because I wasn’t, I certainly didn’t have anything to say or share. I’ve had this blog available to me for over two years. It’s a gift that waited patiently for me to discover it.
What does perfect have to do with At Home in the Heart? Well, I thought that if I were At Home in the Heart, I’d be open to love and receiving it and have no blocks or resistance to love. I’d accept it and give it perfectly. I’d be happy and satisfied with my life and that’s because I’d have a perfect relationship, a job that makes me happy, a clean house, a nice car, a lot of money in the bank, happy relationships with all my family members, lots of friends, a thin body. I’d never get angry or depressed. Or make mistakes. I’d make all the right choices. Never struggle with life or relationships. I’d have it all figured out and all worked out. The road would be smooth and the path clear. All the ugly parts would be erased so noone had to see them.
The problem is, the list to reach perfection goes on infinitely. And if there’s a “right” way to be, if there’s a “perfect” way to be, then there’s also a “wrong” way to be or a “shameful” way to be.
I have discovered that At Home in the Heart means so much more. It’s much richer and deeper than simply having everything look picture perfect or feel “good”.
Being At Home in the Heart means being present with and loving whatever is. No matter what it is. It’s unconditional.
It is inevitable. The heart is a place where love and betrayal co-exist. Where pain and pleasure intersect. Where peace and struggle mingle. Where judgment and vulnerability rule. And it’s the place where I can be present with it all. And whatever it looks like, the mess, the chaos, the tidy package IS perfect. What a gift….there’s nothing to hide from anyone else or myself. Nothing to stuff in the closet or medicate or ignore or fight or hate.
I don’t know about you, but this was news to me…and news to my parents. In their love for me, they worried that if I didn’t get what was right, that I might never arrive. I might wander aimlessly all my life and continue to make mistakes. The solution they knew was shame and blame.
However, life isn’t about getting it perfect or right. It’s not about the destination. It isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about the discovery. It’s about BEING on the journey. Being present for it (and in turn for yourself and others) instead of fighting the current that wants to take you somewhere so beautiful and magical, you would have never dreamed of it yourself.
How we are on the journey tells us a lot about ourselves. It told me a lot about me. Going through depression and suicidal thoughts was a real gift to me. While I was doing my best to fight to be perfect, life was trying to show me that all I had to do was BE there. My presence is enough. Just being present will protect me. It will show me the way. I do not have to hide or run. From people or feelings. They are here to teach me the places where I am stuck, the places that need my attention and love.
Depression and sucidal fantasies showed me that I didn’t think I deserved to live because I wasn’t perfect. It showed me how I decided at a very young age that because I could not control or escape the choas and violence in my home, I decided that there was something wrong with me and that I didn’t even deserve to live. I believed if I was good enough, I would have been able to figure a way out or a way to make it stop. And I let this shape my entire life.
And this is where the beauty lies. Because now I can understand and appreciate myself more deeply. I have some understanding as to why I thought I needed to control other people; I can understand why I thought I was responsibile for other people’s feelings or behavior. I can now choose to let them be responsible for their own pain, feelings and behaviors and know that I am safe. Now I see that perfectionism and making myself the problem was something I developed to try to make sense out of chaos. I needed someone to blame or control. I can now understand that there was no level of perfection I could have reached to stop the violence from happening.
Now I know that pain or a relationship that ends does not mean failure. It’s not the end. If I can welcome it and be present with it and see the discomfort as a call for love and attention, I can transform my experience into one that gives me greater understanding of myself and how I can be in the world.
And for the first time in my life, I can be grateful that I don’t have it all perfect. I am just learning about what it means to be present and I get to discover how that works for me and all the gifts I get from trying on a new way of being. I get to practice and work through the kinks. Instead of being angry about the experiences I had that shaped me into someone who is not “perfect” and has struggled with life, I can have fun with it knowing that in every moment, I have the opportunity to be someone different. I can be excited to play with my life and discover more about myself and decide whether to keep it or change it.
What fun would it be if there was nothing left to discover or to learn? What fun would it be if there were no more mistakes to be made? The way I learn is by showing up as ME. Not the me I want everyone else to see or believe that I am. But me in all my naked glory. All the feelings, all the struggle, the people pleasing, the control, the joy, the depth, the pain and the passion. Maybe that’s the real way to let go. To let it exist, love it and set it free. And at the same time, I get to free myself.
My hope is that as I learn to love, accept and face myself, I can be a person with which others feel safe enough to do the same.
At Home in the Heart is being born. I expect and welcome labor pains as well as the joy of birth. May this be a place where you find courage to be with your joy and pain too.
Maria-Danielle
I love your web page. It gives such a sense of love and
contentment.
Love and Light,
Linda